A Hard Share Pt. 3

The Shadow within the shadows.

There’s something I hope you understand as I continue. The picture associated with Pt. 2 is my current wife, Lauren. The second thing I hope you understand as I continue is this. Up to this point, I’ve expressed religious beliefs, emotionally complex interactions with both God and people, and some of the inner-workings that goes on in my brain. I hope you know that I’m not in the business of convincing you of anything or getting some sense of myself based on how you respond or what you may have to say. As much as I love you guys, and I love the dialogue and conversation, I don’t need another mind contributing to my life’s dictation.

That being said, I’m about to unveil a part of my life that few people know about. I’m well aware of what I’m saying, and more importantly, I accept the implications inherent. But only for myself. Again, I hope you understand that I’m not out to convince you. I’m sharing my life as I’ve experienced it, and I know my accounts are correct according to my recollection.

I also know there are mysterious and natural expressions we don’t like to talk about in our world. We prefer to hush up, glance over, or pray they’ll go away. I’m the opposite. I believe if God determined they play such a part in my life, then I’ll do what I can to learn about them, but through avenues of light instead of darkness. That last piece is critical.

This perspective includes scary and convoluted ones. Ironically I’ve never sought them out…they’re almost provided for me; evil was given permission to enter with more of a presence than “normal.” But I chose what to do about it.

Shortly after my ex and I were married, I had a profound encounter. It wasn’t the first of this nature, and it wouldn’t be the last. Strictly speaking, I’ve had three encounters similar to this one—all at pivotal moments of my life, which is hilarious. I mean, talk about dramatic and cliche.

It’s the middle of the night, my ex and I are sleeping, and I enter that space of sleep where it’s like you’re suspended between being awake and asleep. Your body is completely relaxed and not necessarily responding, but your mind is aware of everything in the waking world. I don’t immediately remember if I was dreaming beforehand (I often dream and in detail), but without warning, it felt like I was kicked out of sleep and forced into this in-between state. However, accompanying this state’s usual dispositions were intense emotions—primarily fear—and a hold upon my body similar to paralysis. (I know this is a common effect of this state that people experience. My experience has taught me there are different kinds of paralysis. What I’m referencing here is attributed to external forces.) I also sensed a presence at the foot of the bed, and it emanated malignancy.

As I couldn’t move, and knowing there was danger in the room, I sought to open my eyes for context and help. Initially, they wouldn’t respond. This wasn’t new for me, so I exerted all the willpower I could muster and finally forced them open. There, standing over my wife and me at the foot of the bed, was a shadow-figure defined by the shadows around him. He had all the features of a person (head, neck, torso, arms, legs), yet bore absolutely no detail to define them—a pure shadow-man in every sense of the term.

The terror and fear were real, but they didn’t all belong to me. Sure, I was scared, but not to the degree I felt at that moment. As a side note and something for you to ponder, one thing I’ve learned is that the horrible emotions evident when they’re near more often than not belong to them. I’ve dealt with dream demons, evils, and shadows since I was seventeen in various scenarios, both awake and asleep. They’ve found a way to project and manifest their emotions as weapons, attempting to trick our minds into believing we’re that scared, or we should be at the very least. So if you go through something like this, know that you don’t have to be as terrified as you think you are, and they only have power over you if you allow it.

Back to the story, it’s always unnerving to me, to say the least, when I see such a creature with my own eyes. Our mind may be capable of justifying, rationalizing, dismissing, or any other option when it comes to real or fictional, but our eyes see what they see.

After my eyes opened, it’s a struggle to maintain eye contact. My eyelids felt so heavy, but I refused to let them fall. Shortly after, I heard a voice in my head, “I will have control of this house.”

I’ve wondered how to describe this voice over the years, and it’s still tricky. While a mind-voice bears no audible qualities we associate with the male, female, deep, high, emotional, emotionless, etc., I intuitively gauged some of these as he spoke based on senses I can only define as spiritual. This is how I know he’s male. It’s how I know he’s emotional. It’s how I know he meant to harm and cause mayhem (not necessarily in traditional senses). It’s how I can say I’ve met the devil because all the unspoken and natural interactions I’ve had with them over the years taught me to know the differences between entities and individuals. And all of this within the context of a spiritual nature that comes as naturally as breathing. I’ve never had to learn to breathe; I simply know how to do it.

I attempted to respond to this man, both vocally and in my mind, and of course, my mouth was bound. I know what I said vocally, but I also know all that came out were mumbles and formless sounds. But in my head, I delivered, “You will never have control of this house.”

Immediately after this, my strength left me, and I fell back asleep.

You know, the thing that pisses me off about this the most is that he succeeded. The marriage failed. I can’t say for sure what he did or how he did it, but whatever it was, worked. Make no mistake, I stand by my statements from the previous blogs that the relationship I had with my ex was ours to make or break, and no one, not even God, had the power to undo it. However, where God extends love, trust, communication, and allowing our agency to dictate our own lives, the devil bears a compulsion to insert himself as much as possible regardless of the effect. As miserable as Lucifer is, he has no problem attempting to manipulate our agency as often as he can.
This is a cardinal disposition that differentiates between the natures of God, men, and the devil.

Anyway.

I still wonder what the devil’s problem was with me and my ex. That type of effort seemed super isolated and way above his standard output. And again, I’d love to know exactly what he did or worked at doing. Sure I have theories, and most revolve around the contention that was evident in our lives and our home. But honestly, it really doesn’t matter.

Sun Tzu, the author of The Art of War (one of my favorite books), made a point in saying, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” This is exceptionally true.

But something important Sun Tzu doesn’t reveal, which I find valuable and important, is how you acquire this knowledge of yourself and the enemy. I appreciate that Sun Tzu never gave all his tricks away, but instead presented the information entirely and gave room for his students to work things out independently. Such a beautiful and practical approach.

With this in mind, I’ve discovered that to learn of the devil from the devil’s perspective inevitably leads to destruction. But to learn of the devil from God’s perspective provides illumination and understanding. Likewise, to learn of God from God’s perspective is enlightening, but learning from the devil’s perspective is confusing and manipulative. All of these are fine lines to tread.

So why I was exposed to this whole ordeal is something I’ve never been briefed on. Honestly, I don’t care that much anymore. It does make me sad, though, marking the pain imprinted in my past because of stuff like this. But I’ve chosen to live with God as much as I can, which has its fair share of twists and turns.

Spiritual implications are so hard to determine, measure, analyze, and accumulate in real-time. I don’t deny that this was a real experience, and it really affected me and my marriage, but what were the numbers? How was the effect defined? Was there anything else we could have done, especially knowing it was going on? Why wasn’t more information delivered or provided to counterbalance the direct negativity?

I don’t know. Saying that bothers me a bit because I want to know. I’m curious and eager to make sure similar things don’t happen again. I can only do that with information and hard work. It’s a conundrum in my head, especially where God is concerned. Why He divulges certain puzzle pieces over others is a frustration only He can answer.

Regardless, the past is in the past. Oh, by the way, I never explained what time frame we’re in for all of this, so here you go: 2008-2010. Roughly ten to twelve years ago.

I think I have one more part to put down, and I’m going to use it to apologize for some things, explain a bit more, but mostly, provide you a consequence display of these events in recent life. Because moments like these don’t just come and go with the tide. No, they continue playing their part for who knows how long. I certainly don’t. Ha ha ha.

As always, you’re awesome. I’d love to hear your thoughts, know your stories, or anything else should you choose to share. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see what tomorrow brings!

Leave a Reply